Everything happens for a reason. I 100% believe that. I get stuck in situations and I'm like WTF DUDE?? Why is this happening? Sometimes it takes a while for me to think "everything happens for a reason". Sometimes it's right away anddddd sometimes never because I can be a brat.
I've slowly been learning more about this Victim's Advocate career. There's a lot of meat to dig through to figure out how to start. I constantly have tabs open in my browser reading about lots of different pathways to take and seeing what other people have done to start their careers. One thing that I found was volunteering is great for experience, and to get your toes wet in the field. Last night I looked up volunteering opportunities in my area. I didn't find exactly what I was looking for but looking back now, I didn't search right. I did find a crisis hotline that I wasn't 100% sure about but I decided to apply. The application was pretty extensive and it took a while. I submitted it when I was finished and it was immediately rejected. Why? I accidentally clicked No for a background check. Are you effing kidding me???? I felt so stupid because it was a small oversight that ruined everything. I tried to fix it but the company never got back to me. Last night and today, any time I thought about that I wondered why things keep getting in my way to bettering my future.
Fast forward to the afternoon, I've been doing more VA research, hoping to get more answers. I came across some information that lead me in such a better direction! I felt so much better I pointed up to the ceiling and said "So that's why I screwed up last night!" I had a good laugh about everything after that. If things wouldn't have gotten screwed up last night, I wouldn't be in a better situation today having learned more and am finding better opportunities. I hope they work out!
I grew up in a faith-based home. Like many others in that situation, it never really stuck with me. There's something so creepy and controlling about your parents performing indoctrination. It doesn't sit with me well. I have lived most of my life as a distant religious person. I don't like to associate with a church but I have faith. It has ebbed and flowed but I find as I am getting older and there are less people to rely on and more responsibility on me, there's a comfort in faith. There is a comfort in knowing that when I have problems and don't know what to do, there's some mystical being silently making me think they are counseling me haha. To me, this was that person working against me to better my situation. It is cool to see it at work, if you don't just think it's a coincidence.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Season of Change
It's been a few days. I don't mind because my husband finally went off of night shift and I wanted to spend time with him. This puppy (thankfully sleeping under my feet) is still handful too. We go out to the bathroom constantly, he bites everything and he's just realized that he can whine so it's whining all the time. I've written about some heavy stuff and I guess that's OK because this blog is for me and it's my personal thoughts but I'm not always about the heavy. Despite my high anxiety and type A personality, I love chill. I wanted to talk about Fall.
I FUCKING LOVE THE FALL!!! I was born in the fall. I grew up in the #1 county in Pennsylvania where fall is beautiful. This love affair was meant to be. Most girls are like OMG summer summer summer! My friends can't believe I don't like summer. Don't get me wrong, the warmth is great after months of freezing cold and I love going down the shore, but no crop tops and shorts for me. Give me those white girl fall outfits of plaid shirts, jeans, scarves, and boots. I look better in that shit anyway haha. I look like a basic white girl all season doing all the Fall activities with no shame. Where I live now, fall started right in September and I was dying for the views of the colorful trees. Our little town looked like something out of a Halloween movie. It's perfect. My husband and I are obsessed with Halloween and horror movies too. Unfortunately, he wont be here on Halloween this year :(. We've done so many Fall/Halloween related things since we moved to make up for this though. And the irony of this post is that it's snowing here today! We start winter season on November 1st, and Northerners are very serious about this. It already looks like the dead of winter.
I was watching some random dealership commercial on the TV and the guy referred to Fall as the "Season of Change". Its so simple but it spoke to me. I never thought about that before. There is always a ton of change during the fall as far as nature. People see fall as a fresh start because school starts again and there's a little bit of motivation. It's ushering in the best few months of the year, in my opinion. This fall has been a huge season of change for me and I'm dealing with it the best I can. I hate instability and uncertainty but positivity (which apparently isn't a word?) can be the perfect remedy. I want to enjoy this time before more changes come but the constant thinking about finding a job get in the way a little. I'm excited to go back home for a couple days next week. I get to see some familiar faces and introduce my puppy to those who haven't met him yet. November 1st also starts my Christmas season so I'm really excited for that.
This post was so random but I wanted to write about something random that I love and that has an important part of my life. Some of my best memories took place in the fall season. My next post will have a little more depth to it. I'm already brewing thoughts in my head. Time to fold laundry and workout.
I FUCKING LOVE THE FALL!!! I was born in the fall. I grew up in the #1 county in Pennsylvania where fall is beautiful. This love affair was meant to be. Most girls are like OMG summer summer summer! My friends can't believe I don't like summer. Don't get me wrong, the warmth is great after months of freezing cold and I love going down the shore, but no crop tops and shorts for me. Give me those white girl fall outfits of plaid shirts, jeans, scarves, and boots. I look better in that shit anyway haha. I look like a basic white girl all season doing all the Fall activities with no shame. Where I live now, fall started right in September and I was dying for the views of the colorful trees. Our little town looked like something out of a Halloween movie. It's perfect. My husband and I are obsessed with Halloween and horror movies too. Unfortunately, he wont be here on Halloween this year :(. We've done so many Fall/Halloween related things since we moved to make up for this though. And the irony of this post is that it's snowing here today! We start winter season on November 1st, and Northerners are very serious about this. It already looks like the dead of winter.
I was watching some random dealership commercial on the TV and the guy referred to Fall as the "Season of Change". Its so simple but it spoke to me. I never thought about that before. There is always a ton of change during the fall as far as nature. People see fall as a fresh start because school starts again and there's a little bit of motivation. It's ushering in the best few months of the year, in my opinion. This fall has been a huge season of change for me and I'm dealing with it the best I can. I hate instability and uncertainty but positivity (which apparently isn't a word?) can be the perfect remedy. I want to enjoy this time before more changes come but the constant thinking about finding a job get in the way a little. I'm excited to go back home for a couple days next week. I get to see some familiar faces and introduce my puppy to those who haven't met him yet. November 1st also starts my Christmas season so I'm really excited for that.
This post was so random but I wanted to write about something random that I love and that has an important part of my life. Some of my best memories took place in the fall season. My next post will have a little more depth to it. I'm already brewing thoughts in my head. Time to fold laundry and workout.
Monday, October 24, 2016
The Light bulb
It's day 3 and I'm acknowledging that I have posted every day. A whole three days, wow I know. I look forward to this so I was trying to figure out what I'd even write about today. Everything just came to me all at once and I said yes this is what I need in my life at this moment and it was something I wanted to write about. I need some background info first.
Lets go back in time. I started college and decided at 18 that I wanted to major in Psychology because I dabbled in it in high school and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed learning about it in college but it just never lit a fire under my ass. I blame this largely on my decision to transfer colleges to be with my friends. I was happy socially but being at a bigger university really took away from the personal education I was getting at my previous college. Upon graduation, I only had an inkling of what I may want to do in the future (you can't do much with a bachelor's in psychology). I got a job at my mom's work that was going to start two weeks after graduation. The company was in my field but my position wasn't. I took it because it was readily available, it allowed to me to do my favorite thing every day (organizing), and it was temporary. I spent a year and a half there waiting for my husband to finish his training for work 13 hours away. I didn't go on to grad school because I knew I wouldn't be home long enough to commit to it. As soon as my husband was able to relocate for work after training, I was off with him. It was hard to leave that job but I knew I was making the right decision. Over that year and a half, I was wrapped up in so many other things that I rarely thought about how I was going to further my career.
So here I am now. We've been here about a month and a half. I've applied for 4 jobs, and went on an interview for a job I didn't get. I'm not super crazy about any of the jobs to begin with. I thought it was going to be a lot easier to get a job but living in such a remote area has brought some challenges. I've become very discouraged and have lost motivation and passion. It's super surprising how your mood and outlook can change in such a short amount of time. It's been tough for me. I'm not always mentally strong even though I look it on the outside. Many times I've thought to myself, "what are you going to do from here?" "What do you even have passion for anymore?" Being a military spouse also really limits me as far as needing certifications go. I don't wanna get into that but its a mess. This is my current state until about a couple hours ago.
Ok, the reason we are all here. Who tf is WE anyway? I was watching a youtuber on snap chat who was talking about her weekend. She got into how she met a detective who finds and arrests adults who exploit children. Everything spoke to me. I was like "yes Sam, this is why you got into this!" This is what I was passionate about for so long and she even mentioned God at the end. I just knew this was my sign. I cried. I cry a lot but this hit me hard. I began searching what kinds of jobs work closely with trauma victims. I found victims advocate and now I have about 10 tabs open in my browser waiting for me to dive in more tomorrow. I felt so happy and so motivated. I got up to treat myself to some hot chocolate (how boring) and decided to browse Facebook while I waited for the water to heat up. The first thing that popped on my news feed was something my sweet Nanna posted.
I found so much comfort in this message that was blaring in my face. I 100% believe in God, life beyond us, messages and signs. This was everything I needed to see. It was all laid out for me in an order that confirmed it for me. I can't begin to express how much I needed the inspiration. Here's to hoping for the best and that my light bulb stays lit.
Lets go back in time. I started college and decided at 18 that I wanted to major in Psychology because I dabbled in it in high school and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed learning about it in college but it just never lit a fire under my ass. I blame this largely on my decision to transfer colleges to be with my friends. I was happy socially but being at a bigger university really took away from the personal education I was getting at my previous college. Upon graduation, I only had an inkling of what I may want to do in the future (you can't do much with a bachelor's in psychology). I got a job at my mom's work that was going to start two weeks after graduation. The company was in my field but my position wasn't. I took it because it was readily available, it allowed to me to do my favorite thing every day (organizing), and it was temporary. I spent a year and a half there waiting for my husband to finish his training for work 13 hours away. I didn't go on to grad school because I knew I wouldn't be home long enough to commit to it. As soon as my husband was able to relocate for work after training, I was off with him. It was hard to leave that job but I knew I was making the right decision. Over that year and a half, I was wrapped up in so many other things that I rarely thought about how I was going to further my career.
So here I am now. We've been here about a month and a half. I've applied for 4 jobs, and went on an interview for a job I didn't get. I'm not super crazy about any of the jobs to begin with. I thought it was going to be a lot easier to get a job but living in such a remote area has brought some challenges. I've become very discouraged and have lost motivation and passion. It's super surprising how your mood and outlook can change in such a short amount of time. It's been tough for me. I'm not always mentally strong even though I look it on the outside. Many times I've thought to myself, "what are you going to do from here?" "What do you even have passion for anymore?" Being a military spouse also really limits me as far as needing certifications go. I don't wanna get into that but its a mess. This is my current state until about a couple hours ago.
Ok, the reason we are all here. Who tf is WE anyway? I was watching a youtuber on snap chat who was talking about her weekend. She got into how she met a detective who finds and arrests adults who exploit children. Everything spoke to me. I was like "yes Sam, this is why you got into this!" This is what I was passionate about for so long and she even mentioned God at the end. I just knew this was my sign. I cried. I cry a lot but this hit me hard. I began searching what kinds of jobs work closely with trauma victims. I found victims advocate and now I have about 10 tabs open in my browser waiting for me to dive in more tomorrow. I felt so happy and so motivated. I got up to treat myself to some hot chocolate (how boring) and decided to browse Facebook while I waited for the water to heat up. The first thing that popped on my news feed was something my sweet Nanna posted.
I found so much comfort in this message that was blaring in my face. I 100% believe in God, life beyond us, messages and signs. This was everything I needed to see. It was all laid out for me in an order that confirmed it for me. I can't begin to express how much I needed the inspiration. Here's to hoping for the best and that my light bulb stays lit.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
A Puppy and some Guilt
Back already and I'm surprised. It's pretty late because I was folding laundry...so exciting. Since we moved, I don't have a job yet. At first I didn't mind being a "housewife" or "domestic engineer" as my family likes to jokingly call it. I love to clean, cook, and organize so it really wasn't that bad. It's been about a month and a half and I'm starting to feel useless. I don't want my husband to feel that way about me either. I've always been an independent person and so the limitations that come with this suck. I want to contribute to the life my marriage is creating. This topic needs to be saved for another day though.
I want to dwell on something that happened today but I want to first dwell on having a puppy. We were so excited to get a puppy. OK, I was half excited. He was so cute and sweet and cuddly for the first couple days. I don't know what happened but this dog went ape-shit. He really is a tiny terrorist and I truly believe everything he does is out of aggression. My husband says all his behaviors are normal puppy behaviors. I don't agree though. There's so much malice to it and I see it because I am with him 24/7. I am a stay at home puppy mom to a puppy I can't stand. I feel guilty about that but sometimes he really is hard to enjoy. I'm hoping he grows out of it. I don't know how many times I've said that I think raising a baby would be easier than raising my puppy. Although, he is cheaper. So anyway, he bites and attacks me constantly. It is completely unprovoked and is so aggressive. It's hard to maintain. My basic instinct is to scream at him or freak out. This is going to take me into the main story of my thoughts today.
So right now my husband is working night shift at his job. He sleeps during the day and yada yah. I guess I was so wrapped up in my dog fucking me up that I was too loud and I disturbed his sleep all morning. He also wanted to be woken up early so I kept trying to get him up too. Sometimes I'm so distracted by what is happening to me that I don't notice how or if I'm affecting someone else. He was pretty fucking pissed at me so I was happy to leave for the grocery store to give some separation. Again with the guilt- I have the strongest, crippling guilt! I could roll my eyes at myself. I felt so bad, I went on a spoil your husband at the food store spree because you fucked up. I bought shit that I would never usually buy because I thought it would be nice and make him happy. I came home with everything and he didn't really seem to care. He just chuckled and told me he basically didn't need or want half of it.
All the thinking and the guilt for nothing. I was scolded, learned my lesson, apologized, and got a tap on the snout. I hate screwing up and I need to fix mistakes immediately so tomorrow we will be very very quiet, even if the dog is slowly killing me. I try to do right and contribute in my own way currently because I cant monetarily, but sometimes you just can't win. Ya just can't Donna!
I want to dwell on something that happened today but I want to first dwell on having a puppy. We were so excited to get a puppy. OK, I was half excited. He was so cute and sweet and cuddly for the first couple days. I don't know what happened but this dog went ape-shit. He really is a tiny terrorist and I truly believe everything he does is out of aggression. My husband says all his behaviors are normal puppy behaviors. I don't agree though. There's so much malice to it and I see it because I am with him 24/7. I am a stay at home puppy mom to a puppy I can't stand. I feel guilty about that but sometimes he really is hard to enjoy. I'm hoping he grows out of it. I don't know how many times I've said that I think raising a baby would be easier than raising my puppy. Although, he is cheaper. So anyway, he bites and attacks me constantly. It is completely unprovoked and is so aggressive. It's hard to maintain. My basic instinct is to scream at him or freak out. This is going to take me into the main story of my thoughts today.
So right now my husband is working night shift at his job. He sleeps during the day and yada yah. I guess I was so wrapped up in my dog fucking me up that I was too loud and I disturbed his sleep all morning. He also wanted to be woken up early so I kept trying to get him up too. Sometimes I'm so distracted by what is happening to me that I don't notice how or if I'm affecting someone else. He was pretty fucking pissed at me so I was happy to leave for the grocery store to give some separation. Again with the guilt- I have the strongest, crippling guilt! I could roll my eyes at myself. I felt so bad, I went on a spoil your husband at the food store spree because you fucked up. I bought shit that I would never usually buy because I thought it would be nice and make him happy. I came home with everything and he didn't really seem to care. He just chuckled and told me he basically didn't need or want half of it.
All the thinking and the guilt for nothing. I was scolded, learned my lesson, apologized, and got a tap on the snout. I hate screwing up and I need to fix mistakes immediately so tomorrow we will be very very quiet, even if the dog is slowly killing me. I try to do right and contribute in my own way currently because I cant monetarily, but sometimes you just can't win. Ya just can't Donna!
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Why right now?
Why am I creating a blog and throwing together some basic layout at 9pm on a Saturday night? There's a few good reasons. One, its miserably rainy and cold up here in northwestern New York. Two, I'm bored because I have no one here but my husband who is on night shift and my gawd awful puppy. Three, I have sooooo many thoughts running through my head all of the time and I don't know what to do with them!
I've tried the journal thing a few times but it just doesn't feel right to me. I feel like a journal has secret dirty connotations. You have to hide them and reading them back to yourself is so cringey anyway. I don't know if I would ever share this. I don't plan on advertising my thoughts to my peers and family but I need an outlet. My problem, especially as a Scorpio, is that I don't share my thoughts and feelings very often so they run through my head constantly. Sometimes I think to myself "What the hell are you thinking about and how did your mind even get there?" I can't keep up and I can't keep a journal. Writing loses my attention. This stuff will probably be scattered as well but maybe it'll get better over time. When random topics pop up in my head that I need to share with my internet self, thoughts and words will become more uniform...I hope.
I can't even remember what made me think of doing this and how I came up with the name besides the fact that I was brushing my teeth, organizing my thoughts, and thinking to myself "Sam, you are one basic bitch but who gives a fuck?" I don't give a fuck! I live a much simpler life than most people my age and I'm content for the most part. There's some shit I gotta work on but we can dabble later. I can't bother to be wrapped up in so many forums and ideas that rattle the minds of the average millennial. I'm not saying that the shit the average millennial thinks are so important is wrong. I just have come to realize that some, if not most of it, isn't important to me. I've turned myself into a borderline pro-non-FOMOer. I still FOMO once in a while. I'm a human and I can't lie. But when you realize that you need to live your life for yourself and not put on a show for others who really don't give a fuck, it's so liberating. Again, I'll have to elaborate more later.
So here I am, about two hours later. Just like writing, I type a little, walk away and then come back a few times. I can't hold my own attention! I was just in the bathroom brushing my teeth for bed and all those random thoughts came flooding back in again. What is so inspiring about dental hygiene?? Anyway, this should be my cue to lay this to rest for the night. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Could be tomorrow, could be a week from now. I have no consistency. I will brainstorm now though in hopes that I will keep it up and keep my sanity intact. We'll have to dive into the world of being a basic bitch haha. That is all for now.
I've tried the journal thing a few times but it just doesn't feel right to me. I feel like a journal has secret dirty connotations. You have to hide them and reading them back to yourself is so cringey anyway. I don't know if I would ever share this. I don't plan on advertising my thoughts to my peers and family but I need an outlet. My problem, especially as a Scorpio, is that I don't share my thoughts and feelings very often so they run through my head constantly. Sometimes I think to myself "What the hell are you thinking about and how did your mind even get there?" I can't keep up and I can't keep a journal. Writing loses my attention. This stuff will probably be scattered as well but maybe it'll get better over time. When random topics pop up in my head that I need to share with my internet self, thoughts and words will become more uniform...I hope.
I can't even remember what made me think of doing this and how I came up with the name besides the fact that I was brushing my teeth, organizing my thoughts, and thinking to myself "Sam, you are one basic bitch but who gives a fuck?" I don't give a fuck! I live a much simpler life than most people my age and I'm content for the most part. There's some shit I gotta work on but we can dabble later. I can't bother to be wrapped up in so many forums and ideas that rattle the minds of the average millennial. I'm not saying that the shit the average millennial thinks are so important is wrong. I just have come to realize that some, if not most of it, isn't important to me. I've turned myself into a borderline pro-non-FOMOer. I still FOMO once in a while. I'm a human and I can't lie. But when you realize that you need to live your life for yourself and not put on a show for others who really don't give a fuck, it's so liberating. Again, I'll have to elaborate more later.
So here I am, about two hours later. Just like writing, I type a little, walk away and then come back a few times. I can't hold my own attention! I was just in the bathroom brushing my teeth for bed and all those random thoughts came flooding back in again. What is so inspiring about dental hygiene?? Anyway, this should be my cue to lay this to rest for the night. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Could be tomorrow, could be a week from now. I have no consistency. I will brainstorm now though in hopes that I will keep it up and keep my sanity intact. We'll have to dive into the world of being a basic bitch haha. That is all for now.
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