Back already and I'm surprised. It's pretty late because I was folding laundry...so exciting. Since we moved, I don't have a job yet. At first I didn't mind being a "housewife" or "domestic engineer" as my family likes to jokingly call it. I love to clean, cook, and organize so it really wasn't that bad. It's been about a month and a half and I'm starting to feel useless. I don't want my husband to feel that way about me either. I've always been an independent person and so the limitations that come with this suck. I want to contribute to the life my marriage is creating. This topic needs to be saved for another day though.
I want to dwell on something that happened today but I want to first dwell on having a puppy. We were so excited to get a puppy. OK, I was half excited. He was so cute and sweet and cuddly for the first couple days. I don't know what happened but this dog went ape-shit. He really is a tiny terrorist and I truly believe everything he does is out of aggression. My husband says all his behaviors are normal puppy behaviors. I don't agree though. There's so much malice to it and I see it because I am with him 24/7. I am a stay at home puppy mom to a puppy I can't stand. I feel guilty about that but sometimes he really is hard to enjoy. I'm hoping he grows out of it. I don't know how many times I've said that I think raising a baby would be easier than raising my puppy. Although, he is cheaper. So anyway, he bites and attacks me constantly. It is completely unprovoked and is so aggressive. It's hard to maintain. My basic instinct is to scream at him or freak out. This is going to take me into the main story of my thoughts today.
So right now my husband is working night shift at his job. He sleeps during the day and yada yah. I guess I was so wrapped up in my dog fucking me up that I was too loud and I disturbed his sleep all morning. He also wanted to be woken up early so I kept trying to get him up too. Sometimes I'm so distracted by what is happening to me that I don't notice how or if I'm affecting someone else. He was pretty fucking pissed at me so I was happy to leave for the grocery store to give some separation. Again with the guilt- I have the strongest, crippling guilt! I could roll my eyes at myself. I felt so bad, I went on a spoil your husband at the food store spree because you fucked up. I bought shit that I would never usually buy because I thought it would be nice and make him happy. I came home with everything and he didn't really seem to care. He just chuckled and told me he basically didn't need or want half of it.
All the thinking and the guilt for nothing. I was scolded, learned my lesson, apologized, and got a tap on the snout. I hate screwing up and I need to fix mistakes immediately so tomorrow we will be very very quiet, even if the dog is slowly killing me. I try to do right and contribute in my own way currently because I cant monetarily, but sometimes you just can't win. Ya just can't Donna!
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